Struggles of a Young Adult

By definition, a struggle is a forceful or violent effort to get free of restraint or resist attack.  As a young adult, there are numerous attacks that will come your way!  You will struggle many more times than you will be free...

You will face issues such as paying bills, working, battling fatigue, staying in touch with family and friends, dating, etc.  Don’t forget marriage and children come with a whole new set of struggles!

Your money will always go faster than you want it to... Make sure that you “live within your means.”  In order to do this effectively, you should follow these few rules:

1.       Question Your Needs and Wants – Is this something I want or something I need?

2.       Evaluate your current financial situation and take a look at the big picture.  What will I have to do without to afford to get this?  Is having the power on at home more important to me than this new super great bass guitar that I want?

3.       Track, Trim and Target – Trim flexible expenses, like eating out or shopping sprees.  Be realistic!  Cutting back is usually a better place to start than completely cutting out.

4.       Follow your budget!

Always remember, money is not everything.  Sure money is necessary for life ... but it is not worth neglecting other aspects of your life!  If a family member needs you, it is very important to be there for them, instead of your boss.  Please remember:  Jobs come and go but family is forever!

Being tired can affect your emotional and physical health.  There are many “normal” activities that can cause tiredness, like lack of sleep, sleep disturbances, eating too little, poor diet, drugs and alcohol, lack of exercise and personal factors.   Research shows that at least 1/3 of the world’s population suffers from insomnia.  This is very common with those who work through the night.  Sleep requirements vary with age; the older the person, the less sleep they require.   You have to try different times and see which one works better for you.  If you eat too little or a diet low in carbohydrates, you will be tired.  Eating a healthy breakfast stabilizes energy levels.  Carbs help the body have the fuel it needs for functioning properly.  Alcohol is a depressant that slows the body’s nervous system; whereas, caffeine and cigarettes stimulate it.  All three can disrupt your normal sleep pattern.  Tiredness can also be a result of worry, too many commitments, or financial instability. 

Exercise boosts the body’s health – fitness reduces stress and boosts energy levels.   These can help in lowering the amount of tiredness you feel each day!

According to an Ofcom study, 90% of 16 to 24 year olds use the method of texting daily to communicate with friends and family, compared with 63% who talk to others face to face.  Wow!  Texting is by far the most popular way for young people to stay in touch!  Talking by telephone was also found to be less popular than texting, with only 67% saying they make daily calls.  Four in ten adults own a smartphone, making it easier to gain access to web-based communications, such as instant messaging and social networking sites.  To make it faster and more widely seen, use technology!

Dating isn’t what it used to be.  It used to be easier... simpler.  Everything was a bit more straightforward.  We’ve united as a generation and made our dating lives difficult.  

1.       Sex wasn’t often on the table – at least not on the first date.  One-night stands were nowhere near as common as they are now.  Generation-Y doesn’t date... it sleeps around.  Sure, we may sleep with the same person for a few months, and call it dating, but the truth is that we date to have sex.  Much of the time, we skip the whole dating thing and go straight for the goal. 

2.       Most people were dating because they wanted relationships.  These days, you never really know because most of our relationships start with sex before they turn into anything substantial.  It can be rather difficult figuring out where exactly that line between the two is located.   Since we are not sure where that line is, we feel free to date other people.  What if the other person finds out and you ruin your chances with him or her?  Even worse, what if he or she is dating other people and you are being faithful?  Dating is a sport to our generation.  Older generations dated for the purpose of finding someone to fall for – and for sex, of course, they repressed those feelings and focused on romance. 

3.       Arbitrary rules that people are meant to follow.  With every new device and messaging service comes a new rule as to how long to wait before initiating post-date contact.  There are rules on how much you can and can’t text – how often you should or shouldn’t see each other.  No one really knows the rules because they are so arbitrary that it really doesn’t matter.  Nevertheless, we know that there are some rules out there somewhere and we’ll follow our own interpretation of them.  The form of communication itself makes dating more difficult.  We mostly communicate over devices, instead of in person.  So much gets lost in a text message (even with emojis).

4.       There was once date etiquette.  You would buy flowers or chocolate, go to dinner and see a movie, and maybe kiss the girl on the cheek at the end of the night.  Mission accomplished – much simpler times.  Nowadays there are no guidelines on going out on a date.  Now, we want to be swept away and impressed, always looking for that next great experience to update our status with...

5.       There’s more for us to balance.  Life was simpler before – there was less to do, less to balance – fewer options, possibilities and choices to make.  Every day, we have countless options presented to us.  Worse, we choose as much as possible because we want more – it’s human nature.  We are always competing and trying to get ahead – to leave a legacy – to matter.

Marriage struggles are as real as dating struggles – just in a different way.  You finally found someone that wants to have a serious relationship, so you cross over the dating line.  You think it will be wonderful – that you finally have someone that will love you in good times and bad, in sickness and in health... until death do you part...  Honestly, someone who is already married should tell you that it will not be easy – it will not be fun – it will not be as great as you think it will be.  There will be struggles.  Let’s take a look at what some of those struggles may look like:

1.       Growing up and growing apart.  We grow up a lot during our early 20-something years, but we continue to grow and evolve past our 30^th birthdays.  That is a challenge for all couples to navigate.  I think the real issue is that we can’t fully comprehend how much we can possibly change. 

2.       Financial stress.  Take two people who barely know how to manage their own money, let alone have any real-world experience with adult financial obligations and mix.  You’ve been warned.  You are going to fight (A LOT!).  Every couple does.   You are young and money is tight, you are still learning things about each other, still figuring out who you are, and there will be many heated misunderstandings.  The key is learning how to communicate effectively and authentically.

3.       Sacrifice and compromise.  Marriage requires both of these “for the greater good.”  You’re now part of a partnership and all of your decisions will affect the other person too.  Who gets to follow their dreams and who gets to hold down the fort?  Whose job gets priority?  It can be a tricky dance, and often there are toes that get stepped on and feeling that get hurt along the way.

4.       Discouraging statistics.  We know, WE KNOW.  Every young couple is faced with the looming doom predicted by divorce statistics.  The reasons why young marriages dissolve are as individual as the people themselves.  Think about it:  If people constantly tell you that you’re going to fail, how long until you start to believe them?

5.       All the responsibilities at once.  Responsibilities are important.  They teach lessons, thicken our skin, and prepare us for life in a way that a decade of boozie brunches and couch surfing simply can’t.   Figuring out your individual roles while buried under responsibilities and expectations was and is hard.  Not impossible, but I imagine it would be better to ease into each role, one at a time. 

6.       Lack of support.  Sometimes our friends just don’t “get” us.  They stop inviting us to parties or events, assuming that we are too grown-up for these shenanigans.  Even our families might be passive-aggressive about our relationships, with more raised eyebrows and behind-the-back snickering than true support.  This can be emotionally taxing.

7.       Lack of Identity.  It’s easy to lose yourself in the identity of “wife” or “mom” if it’s the only adult identity we know.  It’s absolutely possible to ”find yourself” in the midst of marriage and motherhood, but it takes conscious effort.  To develop and retain our identity, we can’t leave our happiness or self-worth hinging on another person or situation.  We cannot define ourselves by our roles and responsibilities, no matter how consuming or important.  We have to be our own while belonging to another, which is easier said than done.

8.       You will struggle with jealousy.  You’ll still be attracted to other people.  Look once and let it go, that second look is what will hurt your marriage. 

9.       You will need some time apart. 

0.     There’s only so many times you can have sex.  When you first get married, you won’t be able to keep your hands off each other.  After a while, you’ll need a break.  You have to make your relationship about more than sex.

1.      Your in-laws will get intimately involved in your life.  When you fight, one of you will likely want someone to talk to, usually a parent.  The parent, of course, will have advice for both of you and will get in your personal business.  It’s going to be irritating, but it’s not a deal breaker.

Love isn’t a feeling – it’s a decision.  There will be days when you think about calling it quits.  Love is a decision to stop listening to your emotions and choose to stay together through the tough times.  Love is waking up each day and recommitting to your partner.  Love and marriage go hand-in-hand. 

Marriage is a source of struggle and pain, as well as insight and awareness.  All of that growth allows you to become something new, something stronger, something better.  Be grateful to share all of those hard and wonderful moments with the same person by your side.

Couples often think that children solidify a marriage but the truth is, they are a serious threat!  The transition from couplehood to parenthood marks one of the greatest stressors on the life of a marriage.  While that stress may dwindle over the years, it never completely goes away.  The wear and tear kids inflict on marriages is at an all-time high, thanks, in part, to helicopter parenting.  We’ve become a society that is hyper-focused on the emotional well-being of our children.  The more time you spend on your kids, the less time you have to focus on your spouse – and your marriage. 

Marriage advice:

1.       At the end of a long day, remember sex and wine can solve a lot.  Never underestimate the power of either, particularly when combined.

2.       Don’t set romance expectations too high on a day-to-day basis.  Simply sitting on the same couch while watching TV (instead of across the room from each other) counts as quality time.

3.       Live near your family and lean on them.  Free babysitters are priceless!  If this is impossible, find someone you trust to stay with your child at least once a month.

4.       Two words:  DATE NIGHT!  When you go out, try to talk about things OTHER than your children.

5.       Never feel guilty sticking your kids in front of the TV if it’s for a) a shower, b) to make them dinner, or c) sex.  None of that stuff takes long enough for their brains to start rotting.

6.       Go out without each other too!  FRIEND NIGHT!  You can’t be each other’s only outlet, so find some other ones.

7.       Maintain a little mystery by ... limiting the bathroom occupancy to one.  (Or, I should say, one adult.  If anyone knows how to keep your kids out of the bathroom, let me know!)

8.       E-mail or text each other.

9.       Sit down to a home cooked meal (as often as possible).

0.      Try to fight about the one thing you’re fighting about and stop yourself from dredging up all the other crap that really isn’t bothering you at the moment. 

1.      Occasionally, you just need to walk away.

2.      Create a bedtime routine for your kids from day one and STICK TO IT so they know how to go to sleep.  The only way to have a relationship outside of your kids is to have time away from them.

You knew that things would be different after baby came along - but nothing prepared you for these total 180s.

1. The change is unavoidable — and often unspeakable.  Remember when you thought your baby was going to fit neatly into your current life? Nope, not happening. Once you have a baby, you become painfully aware that your life now revolves around this little helpless being who needs you — and who despite having a pretty simple existence (eating, sleeping, pooping), needs round-the-clock care and undivided attention. Consider your world officially rocked — your relationship included.

2. You might hate your partner a little bit.  Maybe hate is a strong word, but you might find yourself snapping at your partner a whole lot more than you used to. You might resent him a little for going to work while you're home on leave, you might despise the way he fastens a diaper or mixes a bottle or washes the whites. But remember: This does not mean you're headed for divorce. Some people call those early mood swings — likely a result of hormonal changes and sleep deprivation — the " baby blues" And they're normal, as long as they don't escalate into postpartum depression. Your hormones will eventually balance out — but you've also got to make up your mind to snap out of your bad mood. 

3. You don't nurture your relationship the way you know you should.  If you had time to write a to-do list, there would be about 242 things on it — for one day. So, a lot of stuff simply isn't going to get done. And way below the cutoff is "quality time" with the Mister. Everyone will tell you to plan a date night, but you probably won't (and if you do, you might not enjoy it because your boobs are uncomfortably engorged or you might be worried about your sitter knowing the right way to deal with baby's colic). There's something innate that bonds a woman with her baby — even though she'll be saner with a little time away from her baby. Remind yourself that you really should get away, even just for a little bit, and spend time with your partner, just the two of you. Everyone's right: It _is _good for your relationship. If it's hard now, just keep reminding yourself to do it. Over time, it will get easier to tear yourself away from baby.

4. Sex has probably become a distant memory.  Such a cliche, we know. But, temporarily at least, your sex life has probably taken a nosedive. You had to wait about six weeks after giving birth before having sex. And frankly, once you've gotten the go-ahead from the doc, you might not actually feel ready to do it yet (yes, it may hurt — it won't be torture, but your body's been through a lot, and it will take time to get back to normal). Tack on exhaustion, stress, the mood swings we mentioned, potential dryness (down there) from breastfeeding and lack of romance with your partner, and it could be months before you feel in the mood. Of course, you don't want to rush yourself if you're not ready, but you also want to communicate to your partner what's going on so he doesn't think the lack of nooky is his fault — or that it's going to be like this forever. (And definitely don't let it be like this forever — you both could use some good sex, are we right?)

5. You love your baby more than your partner.  It goes without saying that you love your baby more than anything — and that probably includes your partner. (Well, maybe not more, just differently.) But you may not have predicted that, at least for a little while, you would practically forget that he exists. Try not to make it too obvious; remember, he's crazy about the baby too, but there's no reason either of you should hurt each other's feelings because of it.

6. Niceties have gone out the window.  From time to time, try to say "please" and "thank you," and maybe even use those pet names you used to call each other.

7. There's no such thing as downtime.  Okay, so we mentioned how your routine would change, but there are some things you used to do that were the foundation of your relationship: watch trashy reality TV together, play Rock Band, read novels in bed and then switch when you were done. All that cool, fun, intimate stuff is gone — for now at least, while you have zero time to waste. Now you've got to challenge yourselves to bond while emptying the diaper pail and cleaning mashed sweet potatoes out of the high chair's crevices. Not sexy, but if you think about it, it's kind of sweet that you two are in this together.

8. Despite all that tough stuff, you have a new bond.  So yes, there will be ups and downs, but something about having created a life together — and taking care of that life as a team — will bond you two in a whole new way. You may run into some bumps in the road, but you'll also likely look at your partner singing to baby in the middle of the night, or teaching her to play patty-cake, and fall in love with him all over again. Think of babyhood as boot camp. If you guys can make it through this, you'll be prepared to make it through almost anything.