The 10 Best Decisions a Couple Can Make
based on the book by Bill & Pam Farrel
Every marriage is filled with hopes, dreams, disappointments, inconsistencies, and challenges. Every couple goes through a period where they wonder, What have we gotten ourselves into? No one could possibly anticipate all that is involved in an intimate relationship, so surprises are inevitable! At times, the only thing that keeps a couple going is the dream. Intimate relationships are very influential on our hearts. The relationship begins with the feeling that it will be magical and fulfilling, but the dream gets interrupted by the real needs of the individuals involved.
No man ever said to a young woman, "Will you marry me so we can load up on bills and work hard for the rest of our lives to pay them off?" All seems wonderful, but when reality hits, a couple can endure some boring, stressful, and painful times because of the dream. We get married to the person of our dreams but grow discontent because we forget the dream in the light of reality.
#1... Decide to Build a Love that Lasts.
We are all imperfect people trying to love other imperfect people in an imperfect world. Intimate relationships will deteriorate unless you nurture them. Fixed things won't stay fixed.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts,
always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails... And now these three remain: faith,
hope and love. But the greatest of these is love (1 Corinthians 13:4-8, 13).
#2... Decide to Be Positive. Love is patient.
When life is challenging and circumstances are difficult, we can still choose to be positive. Here are some ways to regroup: Don't say anything. Look for a positive. Try to encourage. Look for the humor. Keep it in perspective. Go to Plan B. Walk it off. Offer up a distraction. Apologize.
To keep a marriage brimming - with love in the loving cup --
When you are wrong, admit it - And when you are right, shut up!
#3... Decide to Communicate with Kindness. Love is kind.
Measure Twice, Cut Once. We have all heard these words before, but they are truly important when it comes to intimate relationships. When we measure our words and recheck what has been communicated to us, we avoid costly relational mistakes.
People who have long term, happy marriages have found a way to make sure their spouse feels understood and supported. The learning process isn't natural, so it has to be practiced. Hear each other's opinions and listen to the reason why. Take a cool-off period. Pray for guidance. Stay calm and do not interrupt each other. Check the timing, the importance, the tone of voice, body language and attitude that you are using.
#4... Decide to Fight Fair. Love does not envy.
Married couples experience times of discord and frustration with one another for at least three reasons - you love each other, the thing that you love most is what will irritate you the most, and
you are human! You were born with a corrupted nature, and so was your spouse. As a result, you are prone to be selfish, proud, and controlling. Your relationship will deteriorate unless you put deliberate, humble, and focused energy into it. Relationships are prone to difficulties, but we are ignorant of what makes relationships work and are too proud to seek out good help.
Commit to each other to finish every argument. You will feel better about your relationship when you are done talking - if you do not feel better after an argument, you are not finished arguing! You need a new game plan. Some rules to refer to: Never say the word divorce. Never resort to hitting. Don't say words that you'd regret if your spouse was suddenly gone. If your temper is out of control, ask for a time-out. Pray. Read books about marriage or attend a marriage event yearly.
#5... Decide "We" is Greater than "Me." Love does not boast, it is not proud.
Fixing a relationship is hard work! It is a journey of selfless indulgence. A few basic skills that help marriages grow: practicing communication, resolving conflicts, spending fun time together as a couple, creating a 5-to-1 ratio of positive expressions to negative expressions, and praying with each other daily. Instead of putting these basic skills to work, we have a tendency to make up our own plans and assume they are going to be effective.
Successful marriages require a balance of hard work and time together focused on each other, as well as a balance of responsibility and authority. Studies demonstrate a steady need for affirmation in intimate relationships. The most important skill in maintaining unity as a couple is forgiveness. You will undoubtedly make mistakes, disappoint each other, and make some poor decisions. The only way to keep our relationship growing in the midst of our humanity is to forgive.
#6... Decide to Keep the Sex Sizzling. Love is not rude; it is not self seeking.
Married couples need to have a sturdy, stable relationship to endure the challenges of life. But you didn't get married just to endure. You got married because you were in love and believed you could have a great time together. You want to be valued, loved, and treasured by each other. This is why God created sex and romance. Sexual intimacy is the decoration that makes your relationship uniquely yours. It is a secret you share with each other and an adventure you explore.
Say YES! to each other: Y - Yield to one another. What is done in the bedroom must be agreed upon. Love never forces its own way. E - Extend it in love. It must be done in love. The goal is not simply to perform an act, it is to deepen the relationship. S - Secure it with privacy. Sex is only between you two - No others and no counterfeits (such as porn) are allowed.
#7... Decide to Discover Your Spouse's Life Motivation. Love is not easily angered.
Stress and conflict bring out different things in different people, and you do well to know how your mate tends to solve problems. Once you know, you can work with it to create a pattern that is workable for the two of you to get to resolution. Are they a negotiator? A debater? A peacekeeper? Do they express their love for you by words, touch, quality time, acts of service or gifts? Which personality trait fits them best? Communicating with your spouse is the most effective way to find the answers to any of these questions! What does your spouse want out of life?
Now that we know all of these things, we have some choices. We can use it against each other or we can use it to excuse any of our own unhealthy behaviors (which are both bad choices), or we can discover each other's strengths and uniqueness. These are the very qualities that caused you to fall in love with each other in the first place. If you stay aware of these traits, you can use them to strengthen your relationship. Accept each other as you are!
#8... Decide to Tackle Transitions. Love keeps no record of wrongs.
We all head into marriage with the hope that every day will be as happy as our wedding day and that we will live happily ever after. In reality, however, the great moments are mixed with embarrassing, awkward transitions. Transitions in life can make or break a marriage. Life transitions are a bit like dynamite - they have the power to move mountains and create an easier path, but they can also destroy things. The decision is yours. You can allow the transitions to tear you two apart, or you can team up and tackle them together. Sadly, so many people choose to opt out, so that 1/4 of all Americans have experienced at least one divorce.
You cannot avoid transitions. You must travel through them in order to fully mature in life. If you prepare well and find ways to support each other through them, they become a source of connection instead of conflict. Get a mentor - Life is much easier when you have some help from those who are further along the trail. Usually between the ages of 28 and 38, a woman will say, "I love my husband and my children, but is this all there is to life - dishes, laundry, responsibility?" She is asking the big questions of life - Why am I here? What is my purpose? What is my passion? She has questions deep in her heart and her husband is often very busy. He may miss his wife's emotional clues. While a woman is in midlife evaluation, her man is usually in superman mode, trying to provide for the family. He has come to grips with how expensive his life is going to be and realizes that he needs to step up to the plate and not just have a job - he must develop a career that will keep up with the rising demands of the ones he loves most in life.
During these tough transitions, husbands and wives can easily blame each other for the stress in the relationship. Anyone can easily get overwhelmed and want to just walk away - but walking away doesn't help because wherever you go, you take yourself with you. You face the same struggles, same victories, and same issues. Find a focus. Find emotional support. Try again and never give up!
#9... Decide to Leave a Legacy of Love. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
Decide to leave a legacy of love. Decide your love will lay a strong foundation for future generations to build on. Decide to be the example of long-lasting love. We encourage you to set aside a date to go over and come up with a family mission and a family motto. You can decide how your love will shine. Every family has a personality or unique gift that can leave a positive imprint in the world.
Some families take and some families give. Families who give usually have kids who excel in school, socially and morally, as they are led by example in traits that form a strong person and a strong society. Create a family that gives. Discover and live out your unique family focus. Each day we have the opportunity to live out the legacy we want to leave.
#10... Decide to Connect to the Author of Love. Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
Consider these statistics: The divorce rate for first-time marriages is about 50%. However, those who pray together daily have a divorce rate of less than 1%! Couples who pray together rate their sex life with the highest possible rating. Couples who attend a weekly church worship service also give their sex life the highest satisfaction rating. Couples whose friends believe in long-term, monogamous marriage tend to have long-term happy marriages. These friends might be found in the local church. Do you see the pattern? The more spiritual your marriage is, the more likely it is to be successful and sexually satisfying. The more passion you have toward God, the more you'll have available for your marriage!
Decide that today will be the day to spiritually build up your marriage - then check to see if you have the tools you need: T - Talk to God. O - Obey the truth. O - Overcome evil. L - Look in the Bible. S - Share with others.
"Why settle for a run-down marriage when you can create something beautiful? The 10 Best Decisions a Couple Can Make offers insights and wisdom to help you move your marriage from tenement to tasteful villa. Enjoy!"
Jerry & Patti MacGregor
authors of Family Times and The Prayers of the Presidents
"All married couples - young and seasoned - will benefit greatly from this insightful new book that lays a solid foundation for making love last a lifetime."
Janet Holm McHenry
author of Prayer Changes Teens: How to Parent from Your Knees
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